Why Prioritising Sex Might Be Hurting Your Relationship (and What to Focus on Instead)

📢 "You just need to have more sex."

It’s advice we’ve all heard — but for many couples, it’s not only unhelpful, it can actually make intimacy feel worse.

If you’ve ever felt like focusing on how often you have sex isn’t improving your emotional connection, you’re not alone. In fact, when frequency becomes the focus without addressing deeper emotional needs, many couples end up feeling pressured, disconnected, or rejected.

So, what’s the real secret to a healthy sex life?

In our powerful conversation with Sheila Wray Gregoire, bestselling author of The Great Sex Rescue, and her husband Dr. Keith Gregoire, we unpack what truly makes intimacy thrive — and why focusing on emotional intimacy, trust, and connection is more important than how often you "do it."

💡 Why "Just Have More Sex" Doesn’t Fix the Problem

For couples struggling with mismatched sex drives, rejection, or feeling disconnected, being told to "just have more sex" misses the deeper issue.

➡️ Frequency doesn’t equal intimacy.
➡️ Sex without emotional connection can feel empty or even painful — especially for the partner who feels unseen or misunderstood.

If sex has become a duty, a chore, or a source of conflict, focusing on having it more often won’t fix that. Instead, it can make one (or both) partners feel used, pressured, or unwanted.

✅ What Healthy Intimacy in Marriage Really Looks Like

According to Sheila and Keith Gregoire's research, couples who enjoy healthy, connected sex lives focus on five essential ingredients — not just how often they have sex.

Here’s what they say actually builds great intimacy in marriage:

1. Emotional Connection

   Feeling seen, valued, and emotionally safe is the foundation of real intimacy. When partners are emotionally connected, sex becomes a natural extension of that bond — not a forced task.

2. Mutual Pleasure

   Great sex should be enjoyable for both partners. If one person is consistently left unsatisfied or ignored, it creates resentment and distance. Focusing on shared pleasure fosters trust and desire.

3. Trust and Safety

   Without trust, it’s hard to be vulnerable — and vulnerability is key to real intimacy. This means both partners need to feel safe saying yes or no, without fear of rejection or anger.

4. Shared Mental Load

   Fair division of responsibilities (like housework, parenting, and emotional labor) plays a huge role in intimacy. When one partner carries the bulk of the mental load, it’s hard to feel relaxed and connected enough for intimacy.

5. Emotional Vulnerability and Communication

   Talking honestly about fears, needs, and desires creates space for real connection. Couples who communicate openly about sex — without shame or pressure — experience more satisfying intimate lives.

❤️ Why Emotional Intimacy and Sex Are Linked

Sex and emotional intimacy are deeply connected. When couples focus on building emotional closeness, physical intimacy becomes natural, safe, and desirable.

For many women (and men), feeling emotionally connected is the gateway to sexual desire. And when that connection is missing, focusing on frequency only widens the gap, making both partners feel rejected or pressured.

✋ Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

If you’ve ever thought:

• “I don’t even want sex because I don’t feel close to my partner.”

• “I feel rejected and unwanted, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

• “Every time we talk about sex, it turns into a fight.”

— this is exactly why prioritising emotional connection over frequency matters.

💥 What to Do If You’re Feeling Stuck

If sex feels disconnected or full of pressure, here are 3 practical steps to start healing intimacy in your marriage:

1. Talk About What’s Really Going On

   Instead of focusing on how often, talk about how you feel. Are you feeling seen? Valued? Safe? Open up the conversation beyond just "we need to have more sex."

2. Focus on Building Emotional Connection First

   Spend time together in ways that build closeness — date nights, conversations, shared activities. When emotional intimacy grows, so does physical intimacy.

3. Address the Mental Load

   Look at how responsibilities are divided in your home. If one partner feels overwhelmed or unsupported, it can drain energy and desire for intimacy. Sharing the load can transform how both partners feel about each other — and about sex.

🎯 Bottom Line: You Deserve Real Intimacy

Great sex isn’t about frequency. It’s about connection, trust, and mutual enjoyment.

If you’ve been feeling stuck, mismatched, or disconnected, you’re not broken — and neither is your relationship. You may just need to shift what you’re focusing on.

Instead of asking, "How can we have more sex?" — start asking, "How can we feel more connected?"

That’s where true intimacy begins.

💡 Want to Dive Deeper?

To explore this topic in more depth and get practical, research-based insights, check out Sheila & Keith Gregoire's books:

📚 The Great Sex Rescue — A groundbreaking guide to building healthy, enjoyable intimacy.
📚 The Marriage You Want — Brand new launch! Helping couples create lasting connection and trust in marriage.

👉 Find more from Sheila & Keith here!

✨ If this article resonated with you, be sure to check out our podcast episode with Sheila and Keith for more in-depth discussion!
🎙️ Listen here or watch here